衝他X的 Let's fucking go...

學習到學不下去，文字已經在我眼前開始解離了。

抽煙已經無法 calm down the nerves了，耳機的indie音樂開始變速了。

學到產生幻覺了。

但是即便如此，這個學期，我也必須從死人坑裡面爬出去！

為什麼大學是死人坑呢？因為每次我都像是演員，需要表演一個大學生和人討論我根本不喜歡的課題而且要裝的激情四射，然後其他人和死人一樣不會說話。早就厭倦了學習不喜歡的課題， 但是因為我是如此厭倦，我的演技非常精湛，別人都認為我非常喜歡這種課題。實在是不應該學習理科，或者是進入這間大學。高中的兄弟，希望你不會介懷我的背叛，沒有兄弟在一起打團戰，這個學不可謂不艱難。

即便我只想躺在床上聽歌，即便我想回到2000年重新來過，想和朋友坐在家裡在白色的mac裡面寫題目，而不是跑到學校去看一群人對著發光的螢幕不知道在上課的時候像OCD一樣滑來滑去，they don't even talk to each other... 

我床頭掛了一副百慕達的水彩，那是一個陽光明媚的地方。有棕櫚樹和白色的別墅，翡翠藍的海水拍打著沙灘。多希望在那裡躺著。在那裡，我會幸福嗎？

Study till I can't.  Text starts to dissociate in front of my eyes.

Smoking can't already calm down my nerves, indie music starts to drift away in my haedphone.

Study to hallucinate. 

But even though this is the case, I am aware of the need to crawl out of this live burial pit.

Why my university gotta be a llive burial pit? I am like an actor that needs to play dead inside such pit. No, more like playing someone that is alive. Discussing a topic that I feel not passionate about but somehow acted like I would with other people in discussion. But since I am so freaking tired of doing this, my acting skill has become exceptional, and people will believe that I am in fact passionate. Shit, I should have never went into this college, I hope my brothers in High School is not mindful of my betryal when we went into diff universities but said we are in the shit together. This is not a teamfight, more like 1v9. Heard he is doing rough as well but fuck, cest la vie. 

Even though all I wanted to do to waste my life is to lay down on a bed and listen to songs. 

Even though all I wanted to do is to go back to year 2000 and start over, writing shitty codes on a mac with my bro, instead of going to a school to watch 200 people doing OCD like impulsive internet browsing in the middle of a lecture without even talking to people. 

There is a watercolour of Bermuda on my bedroom wall. Lovely palm trees and white villa. Sunny place, gentle blue waves ebbing off the white sands. I wish I could be laying there right now. Will I felt a little bit happier than this? 

insane playlist that accurately reflects my 100 hours of listening in 2024: 

Piano Practicing with my cousin

Cousin is a piano god. 

While claiming to be a pianist, I have only studied for five years. 

In 2023, I think I can confidently say that I can play Nocturne op.9 no.1 or Nocturne op. 20 by Chopin. (yes, not no.2, even if I like it, it felt very cliche to hear it)

My cousin worship a guy called animenz on YouTube, and he plays a bunch of pop anime songs with intense difficulty. While I watched some Marasy in middle school, I mostly focused on classical and jazz (my skill is really trash to start with).

Hence, I was fucking shocked when I hear him play La Campanella and Hungarian Rhapsody (this one not so familiar) by Liszt and a bunch of other crazy shit. 

I had potent teacher (works in the same institute of Yundi Li's professor), but it is a fucking shame that I discontinued due to financial reasons at the time. After going abroad, I have been thrown into another life. 

Guess I need to practice more in 2024. Maybe start a YouTube channel or some shit, I think together we could play better than most entertainers on YouTube, maybe not so much as who earn a living with it but pretty solid if we want to shred some not technical pieces. 

I reckon that is my goal 2024 apart from GTFO from university and navigate the complexities of this year. 

Oh to be young, and feel age's keen sting

Nostalgia has been hitting me at 2 am.

I have compiled a list of my music playlist I have listened during middle school that has been lost due to the shut down of music player X. This one perticularily is the common songs that me and a long time friend T has been listening. 

Both me and T went to the same primary school, and was remained his only close friends. T has been picked off by instructors at the school due to his heightened artistic taste and his distaste in general academics. He is one of the most artistic person I have ever seen in my life, and it is truly a sad thing that society don't see that.

We have been told from an early age that if you want a life of eternal starving and panhandling beside the street, you should become an artist at rive gauche. I, even from an early age, respectifully beg to disagree.

The school that we went to are located beside a giant danchi apartment that elevated itself from the school, and it has been fenced off by a weak edge. If you want the most convenient access to the Danchi, instead of going out the school gate, and then turning right and then turn right into the Danchi gate, me, T, and other student who are "previleged" to live beside the school would go to the field instead, climb a 2m wall and saddle accross that fence. This way we not only save 10 minutes walking, but also able to bypass the school inspection gate where they check you attire, pioneer organisation badge (common to the ones north koreans mandatorily wore on their collar), etc. 

I had a monthly spending of 1 dollar. The price to purchase a badge is 50 cents, and before I knew it, I had purchased 10 from the school security in order not to get retribution from "unsatisfactory conduct". And then, we started a 180 day streak wall saddling with T every morning and after lunch break. Fuck the badge. 

T is a friend of mine because we share the same music and film taste. I have watched countless movie from Ghibli studio and our favourite one is porco rosso. We watched it together on his PS2 in his living room that always smelt like expensive santalwood and full of African masks. Coming back to think about it, maybe we were the only individuals that doesn't feel like an foreigner in a state where individuality is brutally punished. 

After graduation, I went into a even more restrictive system, T went to another local middle school before ending up in USA, first wisconsin and then california. I, too, came to the land of freedom in the north. 

We played GTA 5 in high school, but it could hardly replace the feeling of doing illegal shit together with a physical touch. T is not a fan of social media despite he doesn't need to consider the feeling of his boss when posting stuff. Whenever he posts, it is always artistic film camera photo of him travelling. Never himself but always in the vantage point of an observer, with lethal aesthetics, reminiscenct of Magnum photos style, or Wang Kar Wai. 

When people repost shit memes or pseudo science, we continued to post music from Stevie Wonder, Davie Bowie, the turtles, and indie shit. We damn well know probably nobody gives a shit in this numb world but we sometimes post regardless because I have people like T exists in this world, and I know that he would understand. 

I have no idea how T looks like right now. I know he has got a Italian city car and he drives on the weekend to take film pictures. I know that he dwells in LA, somewhere. My last impression is him in middle school. Slightly stubby, mediterranean curled hair, and very well-delievered diss. My only complement to that impression is the music he shares. Sometimes when he shares music that I have previously listened and have been associated with my own memory, it is hard to relate to his seele. I feel like he is a part of me, and I wonder if he thinks the same. 

Brother T, are you doing alright? I always think of you on 3am. Hope to visit you soon. Ain't time a cruel thing, it has been some 10+ years... 

盜版服裝，國際物流，和開飛機

在搬進親戚家後，我加入了她一年一度的網購送貨。

在中國網站購買物品，送到中國可疑的物流公司和其他人同樣可疑的物品打包，再通過不可描述的方式運進加拿大。曾經聽說fedex的飛機有激光反制導系統，不知道類似的東西是不是通過類似的瘋狂方式運輸的。

中國的網購體驗和西方文學裏的俄羅斯黑市一模一樣：廉價但暴力，魚龍混雜但是趣味盎然。

我曾經買過盜版Photoshop，英雄聯盟TFT自動走棋macro，被物流公司偷走的高檔電腦配件，7美元的600頁SAT考題，鈦合金螺絲刀（出奇的好用），丹麥軍隊給服裝工廠下單的潛水艇識別帽，手機的觸控熒幕，還有一堆神奇的東西。

先前在加拿大，不免見到有人在市中心繁華地段拎着十幾個裝滿衣服的袋子。中國人只是淺顯的認爲是替人購買，但是他也有可能是服裝工廠的。

先在Loro Piana買一件一萬塊的毛衣，然後寄回工廠。工廠的裁縫把毛衣的縫線全部拆開，再攤平在紙上，就獲得了Loro Piana的sewing pattern。然後再從不知道什麼地方弄來一模一樣的cashmere毛線或是merino wool，就能批量作出一模一樣的衣服。

而工廠，則更進一步，利用中國的人工成本，直接讓你在購買的時候發尺寸，叫裁縫現場從無數sewing pattern裏面裁一件定製的毛衣。

又或者，奢侈品公司X在爲了壓榨利潤在中國某間有生產實力的工廠下單了500條大劇院蠶絲方巾，因爲直接拿到設計圖，工廠在生產500件以後生產了50000件X公司的方巾，然後以一百分之一的價格售賣。

相同的手段並不僅限服裝，我小時候看到的大多數裝幀精美的印象派書籍，拍賣行畫作鑑賞，或是任何不是中文的書也有可能是相同的方式出來的。2005年，自宅附近尚有物理存在的黑市，售賣各種被政府禁止的印刷物（多是藝術相關的），而我能看到他們，只是因爲賣家，政府審查人員，和印刷廠員工都不懂英文。

小時候，也有在高速上看到停下的軍車，上面的士兵把運輸的95式軍用光學望遠鏡偷出來售賣。雖然我後面見識了蔡司的製造水平，但是那時候的高級紅色鍍膜，狙擊槍上才配備的KillFlash等部件實在是讓我開了眼。

如果只是在購物網站搜索“絲巾”，出來的大多是本土品牌的土的掉渣的二流設計，但是如果在電腦軟件分類搜索關鍵詞，便會跳出來一堆公司X絲巾，製程堪稱專業。

總之，雖然我現在已經有能力購買原價公司X絲巾，而且我也不喜歡盜版衣服，因爲我並不喜歡公司X之類的設計風格，可是如果在中國行走，中國人卻又總是很在意一個人有沒有穿公司X之類的衣服，而如果一個人有公司X的衣服那辦事基本上別人不敢找麻煩，而如果沒有公司X的衣服，連停車都會被保安騷擾，所以我用400美金定了大概6000美金的東西。

啊，真是奇妙的黑市購物體驗。我喜歡中國。

藍色地球，新年雜談和煙火

藍色的星球在靜謐中被籠罩，陽光從地球背面射出，淺藍色的大氣層像新娘的薄紗一樣環繞在城市的星火上空。

新年做了什麼呢？在朋友家淺嘗了一下拿破崙干邑，然後又試了Grand Marnier，然後回家把冰箱裏剩下的yellow tail shiraz紅酒拿出來喝了。

在新年前8分鐘的時候打開電視，看完了西雅圖太空針的直播倒數。因爲溫哥華自從2018年就沒有燃放過煙火。

西雅圖的無人機操控者確實有水平。雖然作爲中國人，無人機display已經是幾年前的科技，也沒有預料到會像現在這麼火，但是真正的區別還是在於內容的呈現。

然後在新年過五分鐘的時候聽了崔健的一無所有。

在一點的時候打開youtube點開了我認知中最phonk的重低音開始抽菸。

今年，我沒有堅守英國人的傳統，沒有聽黑膠唱片的Auld Lang Syne，或是跳交臂舞，但是今年我感到前所未有的對未來的憧憬。

My mother

A sophisticated woman with insurmountable taste in utilitarian gears that cuts through mundane life like a lethal scalpel in a shrewd doctor’s hands.

Much as I would like to object, I did proudly inherited her style to take no bs from the society and remain an ardent advocate of human connection to nature. 

One would mock 99% of the time of her confidence in human kindness or her distaste towards the brutal power of capital, but there exist the 1% time where one was casually navigating the complexities of social media tomfoolery, enjoying the shitshow from some clown know-it-all passing through second handed information to pretend they have some professionalism in some field they mostly took pictures to exchange cheap likes, but knowing that a true connoisseur in your family would probably give you some true insights from years of experience battling the cold, harsh winter in the northern tundra, that is where the appreciation kicks in. It is the South African level of hardcore shit she is offering, with a coolness in her technical expertise that distain the mob effortlessly, and she does not give a shit.

I have truly came to appreciate the skill to search vintage equipment on ebay when I have already know where to look for.

Let it be said as such. Going to spent more time exploring with you mother, please stay young forever.

On future, on 2024, and on life

 半夜 在尼古丁和indie music的作用下打开成绩单网站 一遍遍看着还没出分的两门课

我不知道大学的年度审核是什么结果，亦不知道我是否能成功申请毕业，但是如果我挂了这两门课，我大概就会被踢出去

成长在中国，我的出身告诉我我是无神论者，但是我残废的大脑告诉我，在智力解决不了的成绩面前，我应该成为有神论者，和17世纪的英国海员一样开始集体祈祷。

大学里有很多擅长考试的人，也有很多热爱他们科目的人，更多的还是有失败的资本的人。我三者都没有。

如果过了这两门课，我就能顶着学校的限制强行在2024年毕业，衣锦还乡，告诉阔别的家人我混得很好，即使我一直假装我混得很好。

毕业看起来那么近，却又那么远。

如果我成功了，我会抑制住当场撕毁文凭的冲动，在商场一掷千金，进行无意义的消费，再醉倒在深夜的街头吹风，用手机扩音器大声播放独立摇滚，买一包烟，但是抽一口就扔掉。买一张贵到他妈的无意义的机票，选择他妈的tom ford西装骑哈雷机车回去看看外婆，虽然一切看起来都等同的无意义，但是我祈盼这个版本的无意义的到来。

如果被大学踢出去了，又如何呢？转校，从头再来，又是三年的时间从生命中删除了，我不知道我还能再来几次，只不过我已经为了这傻逼文凭删除了四年生命，再多几年又何妨，人生无法退票。青春在和官僚无尽的斗争中惨败下风，一具苍老的灵魂在年轻的躯壳内挥霍时间。我像是一个尝试抓住蝴蝶的老人。

感情方面，2023无显要进展。主要还是他妈的累了，找不到一个可以一起边喝酒边痛骂弗洛伊德是脑残的人，换成2019的我，还能满腔热诚的解释他的道理，然后再开始痛骂为什么他的学说是彻底的自娱自乐。但是现在，我已经颓废了，我看不到这么做的意义，如果我想这么做我他妈就应该成为小学老师。诚然，也许我如此鄙视意识和她带来的不可避免的痛苦，我或可随便委身一个妹子，苟且偷生，但是这么做和逛青楼有什么区别？

给临终病房的人希望是残酷的做法。我会继续保护作为存在主义者的基本素质，接受世界的荒谬。2024年，我会继续战斗。

On Science Fiction

我曾夢想成爲一名作家。

也許我淺薄的知識和不屑於沉溺肥皂愛情小說的理想註定我會成爲窮困潦倒的社保領取者，但是我至少曾經是一個有夢想的小孩。

在蘇聯式樣的公寓樓底下有一間圖書館，我常在那裏虛度光陰。那是個吊着慘白熒光燈的逼仄小房，靠市立圖書館的館藏勉強獻世。在屋外一個巨型鐵殼機器裏輸入代碼，便可以看書從巨大的傳送帶中傳出。那裏好像沒有圖書管理員，借還書都由一輛江鈴全順卡車的牛奶盒子裏被運到機器，閱覽室只是一個充滿過氣情愛雜誌的小房間。進門後穿過幾層書架便有一張麻將桌，面對巨大的落地玻璃窗。在那裏我曾與科幻小說展開深度且美好的交流。雖然涉世未深，那不啻是我在夜深人靜時不免回憶的快樂時光。2014年，人類對於未來的幻想已經呈現腦死亡狀，因此科幻小說區和葬儀社一樣無人問津（圖書館不也是嗎？）。因此，我十分享受在塵土味的書架間的隱私感。

那是面對俗世的叛逆。

彼時，我曾喜歡一本名叫科幻世界的雜誌，上面常有犀利的短篇小說。或許是和我幻想中一樣的窮苦作家所做，但是他們的鬼奇之才着實令我震驚。其中對機器叛亂和時間旅行的概念讓我對科學產生興趣。我意識到這個流派和注重家庭倫理描寫的婆媳文學不同，其立意多是對人類的未來進行嚴肅思考，並且以通俗文字展現出來。

與H.G. Wells的火星人超現實童話不同，我更喜歡的流派是“五十年代的現代設計公寓，大玻璃窗，丹麥傢俱，巨大的鍍鉻白色飛行器尖嘯着從城市間飛過”的流派。這不同於賽博朋克永遠下雨的都會，充滿着人類的可能性。

我常常在回憶裏站在年幼的我身邊，看他頂着社會主義的髮型閱讀人類對美學和真相的無盡追求。我常幻想，如果他拿的不是iPhone 4S，而是個黑膠唱機，那盤唱片一定會被反覆聆聽磨得稀爛。

在經常使用的音樂軟件（姑且稱此軟件X）在公司戰爭落敗後，前天還在啓動頁面放披頭四海報的音樂軟件宣告了滅亡。真是遺憾的事情，十幾歲的我生活中唯一的愛好便是滑X的評論區，先是驚訝有人會和我有完全相同的音樂品味，然後看看冷門歌曲裏面的人如何一抒現代社會的存在主義危機文學，最後點進喜歡的評論的用戶profile，下載他所有的歌單，點讚，發一段善意的話語。在平庸的世界裏，倒閉的音樂軟件X和科幻小說是爲數不多給我歸屬感的事物。

X是我第一個充錢的軟件，在銀行賬戶只有三位數的時候，用着盜版Windows玩盜版上古卷軸，盜版iPhone軟件，甚至穿盜版球鞋的我不但給了120元支持正版音樂，還買了鄧麗君的專輯。

X的倒閉公告一出，網友在宣告自己成爲音樂難民的時候，爭相下載了他們的歌單，我卻只有在服務器關閉的最後一個小時前單曲循環山口百惠。突然間，X就刷不出內容了。

那之後的故事並不是一個good ending，音樂難民涌入了中國的商業音樂軟件Q和N。Q是一個依靠坑蒙拐騙的應用，你可以感受到聽音樂不是產品經理日常生活的一部分。

N是一個兒童廁所，充滿了涉世未深的人的囈語和流行音樂。更爛的是，N和Soundcloud很像，但是N裏面的獨立音樂人曲子更像是高中生在酒後嘗試強迫他女朋友聽的rap demo。

無論Q還是N都無法在曲庫上找到我之前聽的音樂。在X倒閉後，只有之前下載的音樂可以聽了。在加拿大唯一的中國好朋友Eric和我一樣是X的難民。我們都有純正的英國口音。他有2100首下載的歌，我有270多首，裏面我們大概有個50首一樣的歌。在他的破德國車上用藍牙打開X播放音樂的時候我常調侃Eric和我一樣有着白人老頭的聽歌品味。他不言。Eric是一個傳統的人，他依然使用X倒閉前的手機，裏面有X這個軟件是他不換手機的原因之一吧...

也許當舊時代的我們都嘗試對未來充滿憧憬，也許今天的世界不會是如此。也許我們會是一個熱愛和平，追求美學和科技的種族。

Mid-term exam existential angst and Mid life crisis

早上起來，在西伯利亞的寒冷裡開車去上課。

突然發現午飯沒有拿，驅車180度回家帶上便當。

去學校的路上沒有堵車，不過我的心態已經被磨平了，我覺得不拿超速罰單好過遲到學校，所以飛車沒有特別狠。如果是超速照相機，其實還是很方便的，因為直接給錢就可以了，不會浪費時間，但是如果被警察截停，那一個早上就沒了。唯一一次在加拿大被警察截停，是和同學飆車從Alberta去Ontario。我們開著德國GT車，拉著他的全部家當在湖濱的山道上飛馳的時候，我讓了領跑的位置給他，跟他說“兄弟有警察對講機提醒一下”，結果老哥直接在蹲在路邊的警察面前高速飛過，當我在後視鏡看到警車180度追上來，我知道今天走不了了。但是，加拿大有個潛規則是只會罰頭車，一開始，警察揮手讓我過去，我當時因為一念之差覺得“拋下朋友走掉也太不義氣了”，反而被警察最後一起攔下來了。可以說，我是因為義氣吃到這張罰單。

回到學校，我在教室外面就感覺不對，緣因我透過窗戶隱約感到教室裡有一股蕭瑟肅殺之氣。我根本不知道今天又要考試，因為兩天前剛考過。西八 shake it... 

這場考試我的狀態其實不佳，但是我覺得這堂課的教學模式就很不適合我的學習狀態。當我們講到數學課，經典教學模式至少會有個教授在黑板上抄寫定義然後講解例題，然後用定義去證明或者反証明一些題目。但是這節課就是給到你一個小時很難做完的coding題目然後沒有任何講解。而且表面上是coding，實際上也不似leetcode那般有明確的指令，總之是一門教授不怎麼講課，定義不怎麼有用，考驗bullshitting的課。而且因為所有人都要coding，所以所有人都看著電腦，沒有任何社交的課。

在慘絕人寰的一個小時過後，我去問鄰座的韓國人，他的答案非常離譜，詳盡而又正確，是一個很難令人扣分的答案，也是一個我不可能在一個小時裡面給出的答案。我的高中的日本同學就是這樣的人。她們可以用5小時寫作業，就算答案不好，看到那種 過程，也不會忍心扣分的程度。而我是一個“計算需要pass的最低分數然後剩下題目可以不寫”的不良學生。

我已經老了嗎？

在被早上突如其來的背刺按在地上打之後，我吃掉了午飯，準備去下午的考試。下午的數學考試是如上提到的經典教學模式，我很喜歡這門課，教授的教授是陶哲軒的同事。但是這種課程的題目在只有35分鐘的長度裡解出來會難到夭壽，而且一共只有12分，所以如果被扣2分就掉了17%，是相當殘酷的考試。我寫完考試，覺得這個題目很簡單，但是我未必能夠全做出來。在考試完後，是當堂講解答案。不少人離開了。我雖然覺得是個折磨，但是為了變強只有聽聽看不會的題目。在講解到沒做出來的一題時，前座的女生直接把頭往桌子上敲，我覺得如果不是為了矜持，我也會和她一起敲。

晚上，我還得去microsoft的一個招聘會刷臉。中國人管這叫networking。作為虛無主義者，我覺得networking就是裙帶關係。曾經隱士的我追隨叔本華，很不屑這種場合。但是現實告訴我如果不去這種場合，一無是處的我便不能與鄰座的韓國同學競爭。我覺得找工作比從數學系畢業簡單多了， 但是如果沒有畢業我也不會有工作。因此我還是穿上一套看起來很香港黑手黨的西裝，去混一下，嘗試忘記行為本身的無意義。

Money, Retrospection of my goal, and a middlefinger to life

I want to be like Nicolas Cage. The guy is not the most attractive, not the wisest person you would trust to keep a bank account, but he sure as hell had a blast. 

Earlier this year I foolishly thought I could achieve happiness with a mere 100k USD made with my own hand. I was fucking wrong. 

I need to remind myself that at one time in my life, I was aiming to become a programmer who can do nothing but learn because I fucking wanted to. Have a coffee machine in an AC room because I fucking can. Now materially, I have them all. But mentally, I have got to pull thru. Tomorrow is a new day. I need to continue the toil because Tennyson told me to seek, to strive, to find, and not to yield. 

Existential Crisis, Moving back to the Crib, and a broken car

Voices in my head are getting worse as my mental health deteriorates at a visible speed. 

I moved back to Langley, a place where I loved and hated. All my neighbours are cutting grass on a typical Saturday afternoon, putting conceivable pressure on me to keep the lawn green. While my belongings temporarily got held up at the old place in White Rock, I got to experience the life of a minimalist. 

The belongings are like my mental burdens trying to survive in this world. On the surface, they are not here, but I knew they are mine, and I got to pick them up at a date not so distant into the future like Parisianne picking up after their dog.

What is the point of this blog anyway? I was born nihilist so why bother leaving some words behind? If I have 18 hrs awake, only 1 hr is dedicated to me, so days slipped by feeling like hours, with me wasting them away like a rich kid out of Macau. 

Broke the car when I was pressured to fix it in 48 hrs. Felt like shit but still have to call for the tow and pay for someone to do it. Not religious, but my first thought? May god be there because this is no longer in my control.

 

We never had any solid control over our lives anyway, we would like to believe we do. But in reality, if we truly do, then no one would ever feel depressed or heartbroken or simply not contemptuous of their life. For if they do, surely they would have altered it in some indescribable way. 

The state of my existence is like a chain where I am being pinned down by some fucking nonsense identity crisis. There is nothing I could change about my givenness, and yet I feel estranged, like a foreigner with the reality. I may not be the first one to think like this, but this is not to say that I would find people with the same thought as "familiar". Shit, I don't even fucking know these people. 

Being a human being is exhausting, I don't want no next life. Once I am finished with this one, I'm fucking out. Fuck consciousness. Fuck man's search for meaning. Fuck metaphysics.