On future, on 2024, and on life

 半夜 在尼古丁和indie music的作用下打开成绩单网站 一遍遍看着还没出分的两门课

我不知道大学的年度审核是什么结果，亦不知道我是否能成功申请毕业，但是如果我挂了这两门课，我大概就会被踢出去

成长在中国，我的出身告诉我我是无神论者，但是我残废的大脑告诉我，在智力解决不了的成绩面前，我应该成为有神论者，和17世纪的英国海员一样开始集体祈祷。

大学里有很多擅长考试的人，也有很多热爱他们科目的人，更多的还是有失败的资本的人。我三者都没有。

如果过了这两门课，我就能顶着学校的限制强行在2024年毕业，衣锦还乡，告诉阔别的家人我混得很好，即使我一直假装我混得很好。

毕业看起来那么近，却又那么远。

如果我成功了，我会抑制住当场撕毁文凭的冲动，在商场一掷千金，进行无意义的消费，再醉倒在深夜的街头吹风，用手机扩音器大声播放独立摇滚，买一包烟，但是抽一口就扔掉。买一张贵到他妈的无意义的机票，选择他妈的tom ford西装骑哈雷机车回去看看外婆，虽然一切看起来都等同的无意义，但是我祈盼这个版本的无意义的到来。

如果被大学踢出去了，又如何呢？转校，从头再来，又是三年的时间从生命中删除了，我不知道我还能再来几次，只不过我已经为了这傻逼文凭删除了四年生命，再多几年又何妨，人生无法退票。青春在和官僚无尽的斗争中惨败下风，一具苍老的灵魂在年轻的躯壳内挥霍时间。我像是一个尝试抓住蝴蝶的老人。

感情方面，2023无显要进展。主要还是他妈的累了，找不到一个可以一起边喝酒边痛骂弗洛伊德是脑残的人，换成2019的我，还能满腔热诚的解释他的道理，然后再开始痛骂为什么他的学说是彻底的自娱自乐。但是现在，我已经颓废了，我看不到这么做的意义，如果我想这么做我他妈就应该成为小学老师。诚然，也许我如此鄙视意识和她带来的不可避免的痛苦，我或可随便委身一个妹子，苟且偷生，但是这么做和逛青楼有什么区别？

给临终病房的人希望是残酷的做法。我会继续保护作为存在主义者的基本素质，接受世界的荒谬。2024年，我会继续战斗。

On Science Fiction

我曾夢想成爲一名作家。

也許我淺薄的知識和不屑於沉溺肥皂愛情小說的理想註定我會成爲窮困潦倒的社保領取者，但是我至少曾經是一個有夢想的小孩。

在蘇聯式樣的公寓樓底下有一間圖書館，我常在那裏虛度光陰。那是個吊着慘白熒光燈的逼仄小房，靠市立圖書館的館藏勉強獻世。在屋外一個巨型鐵殼機器裏輸入代碼，便可以看書從巨大的傳送帶中傳出。那裏好像沒有圖書管理員，借還書都由一輛江鈴全順卡車的牛奶盒子裏被運到機器，閱覽室只是一個充滿過氣情愛雜誌的小房間。進門後穿過幾層書架便有一張麻將桌，面對巨大的落地玻璃窗。在那裏我曾與科幻小說展開深度且美好的交流。雖然涉世未深，那不啻是我在夜深人靜時不免回憶的快樂時光。2014年，人類對於未來的幻想已經呈現腦死亡狀，因此科幻小說區和葬儀社一樣無人問津（圖書館不也是嗎？）。因此，我十分享受在塵土味的書架間的隱私感。

那是面對俗世的叛逆。

彼時，我曾喜歡一本名叫科幻世界的雜誌，上面常有犀利的短篇小說。或許是和我幻想中一樣的窮苦作家所做，但是他們的鬼奇之才着實令我震驚。其中對機器叛亂和時間旅行的概念讓我對科學產生興趣。我意識到這個流派和注重家庭倫理描寫的婆媳文學不同，其立意多是對人類的未來進行嚴肅思考，並且以通俗文字展現出來。

與H.G. Wells的火星人超現實童話不同，我更喜歡的流派是“五十年代的現代設計公寓，大玻璃窗，丹麥傢俱，巨大的鍍鉻白色飛行器尖嘯着從城市間飛過”的流派。這不同於賽博朋克永遠下雨的都會，充滿着人類的可能性。

我常常在回憶裏站在年幼的我身邊，看他頂着社會主義的髮型閱讀人類對美學和真相的無盡追求。我常幻想，如果他拿的不是iPhone 4S，而是個黑膠唱機，那盤唱片一定會被反覆聆聽磨得稀爛。

在經常使用的音樂軟件（姑且稱此軟件X）在公司戰爭落敗後，前天還在啓動頁面放披頭四海報的音樂軟件宣告了滅亡。真是遺憾的事情，十幾歲的我生活中唯一的愛好便是滑X的評論區，先是驚訝有人會和我有完全相同的音樂品味，然後看看冷門歌曲裏面的人如何一抒現代社會的存在主義危機文學，最後點進喜歡的評論的用戶profile，下載他所有的歌單，點讚，發一段善意的話語。在平庸的世界裏，倒閉的音樂軟件X和科幻小說是爲數不多給我歸屬感的事物。

X是我第一個充錢的軟件，在銀行賬戶只有三位數的時候，用着盜版Windows玩盜版上古卷軸，盜版iPhone軟件，甚至穿盜版球鞋的我不但給了120元支持正版音樂，還買了鄧麗君的專輯。

X的倒閉公告一出，網友在宣告自己成爲音樂難民的時候，爭相下載了他們的歌單，我卻只有在服務器關閉的最後一個小時前單曲循環山口百惠。突然間，X就刷不出內容了。

那之後的故事並不是一個good ending，音樂難民涌入了中國的商業音樂軟件Q和N。Q是一個依靠坑蒙拐騙的應用，你可以感受到聽音樂不是產品經理日常生活的一部分。

N是一個兒童廁所，充滿了涉世未深的人的囈語和流行音樂。更爛的是，N和Soundcloud很像，但是N裏面的獨立音樂人曲子更像是高中生在酒後嘗試強迫他女朋友聽的rap demo。

無論Q還是N都無法在曲庫上找到我之前聽的音樂。在X倒閉後，只有之前下載的音樂可以聽了。在加拿大唯一的中國好朋友Eric和我一樣是X的難民。我們都有純正的英國口音。他有2100首下載的歌，我有270多首，裏面我們大概有個50首一樣的歌。在他的破德國車上用藍牙打開X播放音樂的時候我常調侃Eric和我一樣有着白人老頭的聽歌品味。他不言。Eric是一個傳統的人，他依然使用X倒閉前的手機，裏面有X這個軟件是他不換手機的原因之一吧...

也許當舊時代的我們都嘗試對未來充滿憧憬，也許今天的世界不會是如此。也許我們會是一個熱愛和平，追求美學和科技的種族。

Mid-term exam existential angst and Mid life crisis

早上起來，在西伯利亞的寒冷裡開車去上課。

突然發現午飯沒有拿，驅車180度回家帶上便當。

去學校的路上沒有堵車，不過我的心態已經被磨平了，我覺得不拿超速罰單好過遲到學校，所以飛車沒有特別狠。如果是超速照相機，其實還是很方便的，因為直接給錢就可以了，不會浪費時間，但是如果被警察截停，那一個早上就沒了。唯一一次在加拿大被警察截停，是和同學飆車從Alberta去Ontario。我們開著德國GT車，拉著他的全部家當在湖濱的山道上飛馳的時候，我讓了領跑的位置給他，跟他說“兄弟有警察對講機提醒一下”，結果老哥直接在蹲在路邊的警察面前高速飛過，當我在後視鏡看到警車180度追上來，我知道今天走不了了。但是，加拿大有個潛規則是只會罰頭車，一開始，警察揮手讓我過去，我當時因為一念之差覺得“拋下朋友走掉也太不義氣了”，反而被警察最後一起攔下來了。可以說，我是因為義氣吃到這張罰單。

回到學校，我在教室外面就感覺不對，緣因我透過窗戶隱約感到教室裡有一股蕭瑟肅殺之氣。我根本不知道今天又要考試，因為兩天前剛考過。西八 shake it... 

這場考試我的狀態其實不佳，但是我覺得這堂課的教學模式就很不適合我的學習狀態。當我們講到數學課，經典教學模式至少會有個教授在黑板上抄寫定義然後講解例題，然後用定義去證明或者反証明一些題目。但是這節課就是給到你一個小時很難做完的coding題目然後沒有任何講解。而且表面上是coding，實際上也不似leetcode那般有明確的指令，總之是一門教授不怎麼講課，定義不怎麼有用，考驗bullshitting的課。而且因為所有人都要coding，所以所有人都看著電腦，沒有任何社交的課。

在慘絕人寰的一個小時過後，我去問鄰座的韓國人，他的答案非常離譜，詳盡而又正確，是一個很難令人扣分的答案，也是一個我不可能在一個小時裡面給出的答案。我的高中的日本同學就是這樣的人。她們可以用5小時寫作業，就算答案不好，看到那種 過程，也不會忍心扣分的程度。而我是一個“計算需要pass的最低分數然後剩下題目可以不寫”的不良學生。

我已經老了嗎？

在被早上突如其來的背刺按在地上打之後，我吃掉了午飯，準備去下午的考試。下午的數學考試是如上提到的經典教學模式，我很喜歡這門課，教授的教授是陶哲軒的同事。但是這種課程的題目在只有35分鐘的長度裡解出來會難到夭壽，而且一共只有12分，所以如果被扣2分就掉了17%，是相當殘酷的考試。我寫完考試，覺得這個題目很簡單，但是我未必能夠全做出來。在考試完後，是當堂講解答案。不少人離開了。我雖然覺得是個折磨，但是為了變強只有聽聽看不會的題目。在講解到沒做出來的一題時，前座的女生直接把頭往桌子上敲，我覺得如果不是為了矜持，我也會和她一起敲。

晚上，我還得去microsoft的一個招聘會刷臉。中國人管這叫networking。作為虛無主義者，我覺得networking就是裙帶關係。曾經隱士的我追隨叔本華，很不屑這種場合。但是現實告訴我如果不去這種場合，一無是處的我便不能與鄰座的韓國同學競爭。我覺得找工作比從數學系畢業簡單多了， 但是如果沒有畢業我也不會有工作。因此我還是穿上一套看起來很香港黑手黨的西裝，去混一下，嘗試忘記行為本身的無意義。

Money, Retrospection of my goal, and a middlefinger to life

I want to be like Nicolas Cage. The guy is not the most attractive, not the wisest person you would trust to keep a bank account, but he sure as hell had a blast. 

Earlier this year I foolishly thought I could achieve happiness with a mere 100k USD made with my own hand. I was fucking wrong. 

I need to remind myself that at one time in my life, I was aiming to become a programmer who can do nothing but learn because I fucking wanted to. Have a coffee machine in an AC room because I fucking can. Now materially, I have them all. But mentally, I have got to pull thru. Tomorrow is a new day. I need to continue the toil because Tennyson told me to seek, to strive, to find, and not to yield. 

Existential Crisis, Moving back to the Crib, and a broken car

Voices in my head are getting worse as my mental health deteriorates at a visible speed. 

I moved back to Langley, a place where I loved and hated. All my neighbours are cutting grass on a typical Saturday afternoon, putting conceivable pressure on me to keep the lawn green. While my belongings temporarily got held up at the old place in White Rock, I got to experience the life of a minimalist. 

The belongings are like my mental burdens trying to survive in this world. On the surface, they are not here, but I knew they are mine, and I got to pick them up at a date not so distant into the future like Parisianne picking up after their dog.

What is the point of this blog anyway? I was born nihilist so why bother leaving some words behind? If I have 18 hrs awake, only 1 hr is dedicated to me, so days slipped by feeling like hours, with me wasting them away like a rich kid out of Macau. 

Broke the car when I was pressured to fix it in 48 hrs. Felt like shit but still have to call for the tow and pay for someone to do it. Not religious, but my first thought? May god be there because this is no longer in my control.

 

We never had any solid control over our lives anyway, we would like to believe we do. But in reality, if we truly do, then no one would ever feel depressed or heartbroken or simply not contemptuous of their life. For if they do, surely they would have altered it in some indescribable way. 

The state of my existence is like a chain where I am being pinned down by some fucking nonsense identity crisis. There is nothing I could change about my givenness, and yet I feel estranged, like a foreigner with the reality. I may not be the first one to think like this, but this is not to say that I would find people with the same thought as "familiar". Shit, I don't even fucking know these people. 

Being a human being is exhausting, I don't want no next life. Once I am finished with this one, I'm fucking out. Fuck consciousness. Fuck man's search for meaning. Fuck metaphysics. 

나는 개새끼다！！！

我是一條狗，我背著輕薄的boston bag一路北上，來到這偽善的城市

曾經 我可以選擇浪跡街頭 看著霓虹燈想像我是為家人打拼，是為了家人的更好的生活，然後半夜兩點隨便去一個五分鐘能上菜的便宜酒館花錢點一桌酒，在街心公園迷失自我。這是我治療抑鬱症的方法，忘記自己是一條狗，即便幾分鐘也好。

自從來了這個地方，我每天都覺得我是一隻狗。在又做了一天狗，生活激情被徹底幹碎後，我要帶著不屑自己一片片把它貼回去，開車回到郊區自宅（沒有地下鐵接我回家），然後燒半個小時的飯，喝中國二十，這裡五十塊一瓶的「進口」燒酒，抽一根味道堪比瀝青的垃圾本地菸，然後洗半個小時碗，看看錶，今天又是沒有自我的一天。不，應該說，今天又是被社會主義剝削的一天。這裡的機會太少了

在溫哥華買不起dt的房子，我連狗都不如。這裡好像沒有中間層，家境好的，父輩鋪好了路他們不需要走一步，家境差的在街上吸毒，我兩者都不是，這裡沒有給我忘記自我的機會。

有的時候我缺的，只是稍稍抬頭能看到燈火 短暫的沈溺在具象化的紙醉金迷裡，忘記我是狗

Meditation, World, and English words

 I have quite enjoyed typing English words. 

Typing in Chinese is a painful process, I imagine how the words sound like and choose them from a list of kanji. It was redundant.

What is my life? A question remained unanswered and perhaps never will. The world is too backward to generate enough emptiness, but too advanced to embrace an old soul.

Sometimes, late in night. I just sit and do nothing. I imagined how my room would reflect my personality, but that is just an escape from the reality where my room is not the way I want it to be. I would probably have paper lanterns, art nouveau posters, and an incense holder on the top of an antique rosewood cabinet in the faithful style of Min. But honestly, these are just outside things in life.

I can’t take them away from this reality, don’t have them in this reality. Shit, I can’t even pass on my sense of aesthetics. 

It is then I began to discover, for too long in my pathetic life I measured my success on the perspective of others. I lost some coolness in the pursuit of finer things. 

Mental wealth is too cheap these days. People moan about mental health like Dostoyevsky once lamented roughly 200 years ago. I felt a stab of pain that dead people may have experienced their life more sharply than I. People gave away their life for honour like it was a breakfast on a Tuesday morning. Did we really progress at all since the age of dawn?

At least back when people were getting mowed down like grass, they learn to move on with a grim smile, write it into a heroic tragedy, or to learn to live a short life to the fullest.

I wander around my thoughts like a ghost knight in valhalla. I just want to make people around me happy. Classic appeasement in exchange of self respect. An act acceptable, perhaps even de minimis to even be argued about in modern wold, but deemed a life of worthlessness in the view of my ancestors.

I lived in a Daoist temple for two months, and I truly missed the minimalistic food they offered. Two veg one meat. I was sure I’m going to devote my life into becoming a monk if weren’t for the start of schooling season. It was about noticing the bland taste of veg. Suddenly they became fresh, with a taste of dew that reminds me of the morning mist where the sun was having a hard time piercing through. Existence really didn’t need much to sustain. What have I become?

The world didn’t mean much for me. It was a place to forget, heading to the inevitable conclusion. Some people enjoyed their ride, some never really understood why they were on the train. Some jumped the train for fresh air, some left on the train after people got off, wondering where the train is heading to after the final destination.

My regret came from the choices that could have been made. I constantly compare myself to a shadowed self that is ideal, a possibility lost because of the trivialities, an imaginary life where I lived it to the fullest. “I was going to Japan for high school and work my way up to raise money, have a fresh start”. “I wasn’t going to had that altercation with him before his death, I was an asshole”… I could easily count fifty moments like this

I know such life is no longer possible for me to attempt, but it is addictive to escape the world with the imageries at least. I could stop smoking or drinking if I wanted to, but it takes real courage to move on with possibilities that are lost.

I was a natural nihilist, but became lost in the world. 

*lights a cig*

放下陳見

放下陳見

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 我多想做一個愚人。

人一輩子，單純一些，就不會對世界有看法。懷才不遇，是精神污染。我是一個恃才凌物的人，對眼前的一切甚感空虛。我曾經也是一個飽受歐洲虛無主義荼毒的人，眼前的一切，萬物皆空，萬事皆允。

然，我意識到我的人生開局，難度不是psycho，也得是個hard。成功的企業家，有不少都是農村背景，用我老頭的說話，就是“土炮一個”，但是他們比我有錢太多。當人的認知超過社會普遍平均值的時候，眼界會成為雙刃劍。我意識到基業的奠基，多半不是靠理論，而是靠世俗手腕獲取的。在這種社會環境下，眼界幾乎沒什麼屌用。

如果你搞技術再牛逼，如果無法做一個世俗的愚人，就無法融入世俗的世界。Kierkegaard 認為，人生意義的實現或多或少都會伴隨不可調和的孤獨。我對此感同身受，對他的理論極為崇拜，但是 Kierkegaard 終其一生窮困潦倒，連快到手的老婆都跟人跑了。

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我不想做一個感性，熱愛藝術但是窮困潦倒的人，我想做一個有老婆的熱愛藝術的愚人。

我要做一個能賺錢的人。社會菁英的教育告訴我，“錢不能買到幸福”，但是經驗主義告訴我，沒錢你媽的絕對不幸福。事實上，根據美國疾病管制署的數據顯示，生活在貧困環境之成年人，罹患憂鬱症的可能性比富裕族群高三至四倍。

菁英往往錯誤的認為錢不是幸福的誘因，因此他們認為錢不是一個必要條件。操你媽。

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2023，我要放下成見，實驗性地過我的生活。我懶得再去問責世界的醜陋，我選擇在哲學上自殺，我要轉型為一個反智者，和光同塵。這個決定包括：放棄歧視中國人，多交幾個新朋友（哪怕我多麼不可能將他們作為遺囑執行人），放棄對人生終極意義的思考，放棄對高尚藝術的追求，放棄對教育制度的思考，放棄對大學institutionalized的思考，放棄對政府的批判，放棄對登峰造極的追求，放棄人類一起進步的、危險的國際主義思想，徹底放棄對審美和完美主義的變態追求，直到我今年賺到10萬美元為止（inflation adjusted）。對轉而進行對如何在世俗世界活的不痛苦一點的思考。

世俗一點，認真搞錢。

 

日本亞馬遜運費事件

I loved shopping for Japanese stuff. They have all kinds of wild shit to put into cosmetics and medicines, that elsewhere isn't putting in. 

They even have a university database for the commercial name with the wild shit you want in your product, all the companies too. That is way too sick.

So I was shopping on amazon.co.jp the other day, and I had a bunch of stuff in the cart I am willing to surrender my cash with, and I discovered that someone in the programming team probably fucked up the website because everything now costs 3000JPY to ship. 

So hypothetically, if I buy 10 items, it will cost me 30000JPY (300 CAD?) 

What the fuck man?

But I soon discovered the interesting part about this, as when you're buying a pen, they are literally charging you the same shipping price as a heavy-ass refrigerator. Holy shit. 

Immediately, I searched for a motorcycle, but they didn't have one.

It would still be pretty sick if I can ship a motorcycle from Japan to Canada for $30. 

書店咖啡事件

It is common knowledge that the barista at a chain coffee shoppe would often mispronounce your name, so I have gotten into the habit of making pseudonyms at my order. 

On this particular day off Stat courses, whose length is longer than the industrial toilet paper roll at the university and the voice more hypnotic than that of Houdini's performance, I delta-ed the fuck out of the lecture hall.

At the coffee shop, I chose a 4-shot grande americano and the name "Max" to give in to the crave for caffeine and pretend that craving is not mine, and then went on to do other business. When I returned, I realised a guy called Mathias took my americano but he has the exact same order as mine.

I cannot help but wonder what is going on in Mathias's life. Probably some hard shit, that is the only reason I could think of for people who order 4 shots in his americano.

The coffee tastes adequate, not watered down but didn't really improve my cognitive sensitivity.

Met 2 roommates on campus today. They claim the house is "so boring" right now, which I took as a compliment to my personality.

Ordered warm sake and overpriced ramen at the spot to swallow the emptiness after tuition payment. What the fuck is the meaning of my life?

I am on time with my readings and doing well like I previously did in high school, but I still feel a forlornness, it does not feel like I am in the driving seat of my life. 

Dangerous thoughts. Maybe from the lack of sleep. 

新年決心2周目

Having decided that my physique is not enough to match the size of my dick, I decided to stick to the tradition of making new year's resolutions and breaking them, only to find out I did not break them like I do for the first week of my year. 

My first quixotic wish is to get big. I have been going into the sick gym in Surrey, no queue at all, and the equipment are clean af. (fuck ubc gym) Yes, my body aches everywhere, and I found out I'm lactose intolerant when I overdosed on 32oz of milk, but I am taking much better care of myself than in 2022. So much so that I think I will keep this habit. 

Apart from that, I think I am starting to miss living in Vancouver, or else I will have to come up with an excuse to have my own automobile. Seems like my family is reserved about this but this is what I have to do. Waiting for the market to make its move and I'll surf along. 

Besides that, I really want to smoke.