衝他X的 Let's fucking go...

學習到學不下去，文字已經在我眼前開始解離了。

抽煙已經無法 calm down the nerves了，耳機的indie音樂開始變速了。

學到產生幻覺了。

但是即便如此，這個學期，我也必須從死人坑裡面爬出去！

為什麼大學是死人坑呢？因為每次我都像是演員，需要表演一個大學生和人討論我根本不喜歡的課題而且要裝的激情四射，然後其他人和死人一樣不會說話。早就厭倦了學習不喜歡的課題， 但是因為我是如此厭倦，我的演技非常精湛，別人都認為我非常喜歡這種課題。實在是不應該學習理科，或者是進入這間大學。高中的兄弟，希望你不會介懷我的背叛，沒有兄弟在一起打團戰，這個學不可謂不艱難。

即便我只想躺在床上聽歌，即便我想回到2000年重新來過，想和朋友坐在家裡在白色的mac裡面寫題目，而不是跑到學校去看一群人對著發光的螢幕不知道在上課的時候像OCD一樣滑來滑去，they don't even talk to each other... 

我床頭掛了一副百慕達的水彩，那是一個陽光明媚的地方。有棕櫚樹和白色的別墅，翡翠藍的海水拍打著沙灘。多希望在那裡躺著。在那裡，我會幸福嗎？

Study till I can't.  Text starts to dissociate in front of my eyes.

Smoking can't already calm down my nerves, indie music starts to drift away in my haedphone.

Study to hallucinate. 

But even though this is the case, I am aware of the need to crawl out of this live burial pit.

Why my university gotta be a llive burial pit? I am like an actor that needs to play dead inside such pit. No, more like playing someone that is alive. Discussing a topic that I feel not passionate about but somehow acted like I would with other people in discussion. But since I am so freaking tired of doing this, my acting skill has become exceptional, and people will believe that I am in fact passionate. Shit, I should have never went into this college, I hope my brothers in High School is not mindful of my betryal when we went into diff universities but said we are in the shit together. This is not a teamfight, more like 1v9. Heard he is doing rough as well but fuck, cest la vie. 

Even though all I wanted to do to waste my life is to lay down on a bed and listen to songs. 

Even though all I wanted to do is to go back to year 2000 and start over, writing shitty codes on a mac with my bro, instead of going to a school to watch 200 people doing OCD like impulsive internet browsing in the middle of a lecture without even talking to people. 

There is a watercolour of Bermuda on my bedroom wall. Lovely palm trees and white villa. Sunny place, gentle blue waves ebbing off the white sands. I wish I could be laying there right now. Will I felt a little bit happier than this? 

insane playlist that accurately reflects my 100 hours of listening in 2024: 

Piano Practicing with my cousin

Cousin is a piano god. 

While claiming to be a pianist, I have only studied for five years. 

In 2023, I think I can confidently say that I can play Nocturne op.9 no.1 or Nocturne op. 20 by Chopin. (yes, not no.2, even if I like it, it felt very cliche to hear it)

My cousin worship a guy called animenz on YouTube, and he plays a bunch of pop anime songs with intense difficulty. While I watched some Marasy in middle school, I mostly focused on classical and jazz (my skill is really trash to start with).

Hence, I was fucking shocked when I hear him play La Campanella and Hungarian Rhapsody (this one not so familiar) by Liszt and a bunch of other crazy shit. 

I had potent teacher (works in the same institute of Yundi Li's professor), but it is a fucking shame that I discontinued due to financial reasons at the time. After going abroad, I have been thrown into another life. 

Guess I need to practice more in 2024. Maybe start a YouTube channel or some shit, I think together we could play better than most entertainers on YouTube, maybe not so much as who earn a living with it but pretty solid if we want to shred some not technical pieces. 

I reckon that is my goal 2024 apart from GTFO from university and navigate the complexities of this year. 

Oh to be young, and feel age's keen sting

Nostalgia has been hitting me at 2 am.

I have compiled a list of my music playlist I have listened during middle school that has been lost due to the shut down of music player X. This one perticularily is the common songs that me and a long time friend T has been listening. 

Both me and T went to the same primary school, and was remained his only close friends. T has been picked off by instructors at the school due to his heightened artistic taste and his distaste in general academics. He is one of the most artistic person I have ever seen in my life, and it is truly a sad thing that society don't see that.

We have been told from an early age that if you want a life of eternal starving and panhandling beside the street, you should become an artist at rive gauche. I, even from an early age, respectifully beg to disagree.

The school that we went to are located beside a giant danchi apartment that elevated itself from the school, and it has been fenced off by a weak edge. If you want the most convenient access to the Danchi, instead of going out the school gate, and then turning right and then turn right into the Danchi gate, me, T, and other student who are "previleged" to live beside the school would go to the field instead, climb a 2m wall and saddle accross that fence. This way we not only save 10 minutes walking, but also able to bypass the school inspection gate where they check you attire, pioneer organisation badge (common to the ones north koreans mandatorily wore on their collar), etc. 

I had a monthly spending of 1 dollar. The price to purchase a badge is 50 cents, and before I knew it, I had purchased 10 from the school security in order not to get retribution from "unsatisfactory conduct". And then, we started a 180 day streak wall saddling with T every morning and after lunch break. Fuck the badge. 

T is a friend of mine because we share the same music and film taste. I have watched countless movie from Ghibli studio and our favourite one is porco rosso. We watched it together on his PS2 in his living room that always smelt like expensive santalwood and full of African masks. Coming back to think about it, maybe we were the only individuals that doesn't feel like an foreigner in a state where individuality is brutally punished. 

After graduation, I went into a even more restrictive system, T went to another local middle school before ending up in USA, first wisconsin and then california. I, too, came to the land of freedom in the north. 

We played GTA 5 in high school, but it could hardly replace the feeling of doing illegal shit together with a physical touch. T is not a fan of social media despite he doesn't need to consider the feeling of his boss when posting stuff. Whenever he posts, it is always artistic film camera photo of him travelling. Never himself but always in the vantage point of an observer, with lethal aesthetics, reminiscenct of Magnum photos style, or Wang Kar Wai. 

When people repost shit memes or pseudo science, we continued to post music from Stevie Wonder, Davie Bowie, the turtles, and indie shit. We damn well know probably nobody gives a shit in this numb world but we sometimes post regardless because I have people like T exists in this world, and I know that he would understand. 

I have no idea how T looks like right now. I know he has got a Italian city car and he drives on the weekend to take film pictures. I know that he dwells in LA, somewhere. My last impression is him in middle school. Slightly stubby, mediterranean curled hair, and very well-delievered diss. My only complement to that impression is the music he shares. Sometimes when he shares music that I have previously listened and have been associated with my own memory, it is hard to relate to his seele. I feel like he is a part of me, and I wonder if he thinks the same. 

Brother T, are you doing alright? I always think of you on 3am. Hope to visit you soon. Ain't time a cruel thing, it has been some 10+ years... 

盜版服裝，國際物流，和開飛機

在搬進親戚家後，我加入了她一年一度的網購送貨。

在中國網站購買物品，送到中國可疑的物流公司和其他人同樣可疑的物品打包，再通過不可描述的方式運進加拿大。曾經聽說fedex的飛機有激光反制導系統，不知道類似的東西是不是通過類似的瘋狂方式運輸的。

中國的網購體驗和西方文學裏的俄羅斯黑市一模一樣：廉價但暴力，魚龍混雜但是趣味盎然。

我曾經買過盜版Photoshop，英雄聯盟TFT自動走棋macro，被物流公司偷走的高檔電腦配件，7美元的600頁SAT考題，鈦合金螺絲刀（出奇的好用），丹麥軍隊給服裝工廠下單的潛水艇識別帽，手機的觸控熒幕，還有一堆神奇的東西。

先前在加拿大，不免見到有人在市中心繁華地段拎着十幾個裝滿衣服的袋子。中國人只是淺顯的認爲是替人購買，但是他也有可能是服裝工廠的。

先在Loro Piana買一件一萬塊的毛衣，然後寄回工廠。工廠的裁縫把毛衣的縫線全部拆開，再攤平在紙上，就獲得了Loro Piana的sewing pattern。然後再從不知道什麼地方弄來一模一樣的cashmere毛線或是merino wool，就能批量作出一模一樣的衣服。

而工廠，則更進一步，利用中國的人工成本，直接讓你在購買的時候發尺寸，叫裁縫現場從無數sewing pattern裏面裁一件定製的毛衣。

又或者，奢侈品公司X在爲了壓榨利潤在中國某間有生產實力的工廠下單了500條大劇院蠶絲方巾，因爲直接拿到設計圖，工廠在生產500件以後生產了50000件X公司的方巾，然後以一百分之一的價格售賣。

相同的手段並不僅限服裝，我小時候看到的大多數裝幀精美的印象派書籍，拍賣行畫作鑑賞，或是任何不是中文的書也有可能是相同的方式出來的。2005年，自宅附近尚有物理存在的黑市，售賣各種被政府禁止的印刷物（多是藝術相關的），而我能看到他們，只是因爲賣家，政府審查人員，和印刷廠員工都不懂英文。

小時候，也有在高速上看到停下的軍車，上面的士兵把運輸的95式軍用光學望遠鏡偷出來售賣。雖然我後面見識了蔡司的製造水平，但是那時候的高級紅色鍍膜，狙擊槍上才配備的KillFlash等部件實在是讓我開了眼。

如果只是在購物網站搜索“絲巾”，出來的大多是本土品牌的土的掉渣的二流設計，但是如果在電腦軟件分類搜索關鍵詞，便會跳出來一堆公司X絲巾，製程堪稱專業。

總之，雖然我現在已經有能力購買原價公司X絲巾，而且我也不喜歡盜版衣服，因爲我並不喜歡公司X之類的設計風格，可是如果在中國行走，中國人卻又總是很在意一個人有沒有穿公司X之類的衣服，而如果一個人有公司X的衣服那辦事基本上別人不敢找麻煩，而如果沒有公司X的衣服，連停車都會被保安騷擾，所以我用400美金定了大概6000美金的東西。

啊，真是奇妙的黑市購物體驗。我喜歡中國。

藍色地球，新年雜談和煙火

藍色的星球在靜謐中被籠罩，陽光從地球背面射出，淺藍色的大氣層像新娘的薄紗一樣環繞在城市的星火上空。

新年做了什麼呢？在朋友家淺嘗了一下拿破崙干邑，然後又試了Grand Marnier，然後回家把冰箱裏剩下的yellow tail shiraz紅酒拿出來喝了。

在新年前8分鐘的時候打開電視，看完了西雅圖太空針的直播倒數。因爲溫哥華自從2018年就沒有燃放過煙火。

西雅圖的無人機操控者確實有水平。雖然作爲中國人，無人機display已經是幾年前的科技，也沒有預料到會像現在這麼火，但是真正的區別還是在於內容的呈現。

然後在新年過五分鐘的時候聽了崔健的一無所有。

在一點的時候打開youtube點開了我認知中最phonk的重低音開始抽菸。

今年，我沒有堅守英國人的傳統，沒有聽黑膠唱片的Auld Lang Syne，或是跳交臂舞，但是今年我感到前所未有的對未來的憧憬。