My mother

A sophisticated woman with insurmountable taste in utilitarian gears that cuts through mundane life like a lethal scalpel in a shrewd doctor’s hands.

Much as I would like to object, I did proudly inherited her style to take no bs from the society and remain an ardent advocate of human connection to nature. 

One would mock 99% of the time of her confidence in human kindness or her distaste towards the brutal power of capital, but there exist the 1% time where one was casually navigating the complexities of social media tomfoolery, enjoying the shitshow from some clown know-it-all passing through second handed information to pretend they have some professionalism in some field they mostly took pictures to exchange cheap likes, but knowing that a true connoisseur in your family would probably give you some true insights from years of experience battling the cold, harsh winter in the northern tundra, that is where the appreciation kicks in. It is the South African level of hardcore shit she is offering, with a coolness in her technical expertise that distain the mob effortlessly, and she does not give a shit.

I have truly came to appreciate the skill to search vintage equipment on ebay when I have already know where to look for.

Let it be said as such. Going to spent more time exploring with you mother, please stay young forever.

On future, on 2024, and on life

 半夜 在尼古丁和indie music的作用下打开成绩单网站 一遍遍看着还没出分的两门课

我不知道大学的年度审核是什么结果，亦不知道我是否能成功申请毕业，但是如果我挂了这两门课，我大概就会被踢出去

成长在中国，我的出身告诉我我是无神论者，但是我残废的大脑告诉我，在智力解决不了的成绩面前，我应该成为有神论者，和17世纪的英国海员一样开始集体祈祷。

大学里有很多擅长考试的人，也有很多热爱他们科目的人，更多的还是有失败的资本的人。我三者都没有。

如果过了这两门课，我就能顶着学校的限制强行在2024年毕业，衣锦还乡，告诉阔别的家人我混得很好，即使我一直假装我混得很好。

毕业看起来那么近，却又那么远。

如果我成功了，我会抑制住当场撕毁文凭的冲动，在商场一掷千金，进行无意义的消费，再醉倒在深夜的街头吹风，用手机扩音器大声播放独立摇滚，买一包烟，但是抽一口就扔掉。买一张贵到他妈的无意义的机票，选择他妈的tom ford西装骑哈雷机车回去看看外婆，虽然一切看起来都等同的无意义，但是我祈盼这个版本的无意义的到来。

如果被大学踢出去了，又如何呢？转校，从头再来，又是三年的时间从生命中删除了，我不知道我还能再来几次，只不过我已经为了这傻逼文凭删除了四年生命，再多几年又何妨，人生无法退票。青春在和官僚无尽的斗争中惨败下风，一具苍老的灵魂在年轻的躯壳内挥霍时间。我像是一个尝试抓住蝴蝶的老人。

感情方面，2023无显要进展。主要还是他妈的累了，找不到一个可以一起边喝酒边痛骂弗洛伊德是脑残的人，换成2019的我，还能满腔热诚的解释他的道理，然后再开始痛骂为什么他的学说是彻底的自娱自乐。但是现在，我已经颓废了，我看不到这么做的意义，如果我想这么做我他妈就应该成为小学老师。诚然，也许我如此鄙视意识和她带来的不可避免的痛苦，我或可随便委身一个妹子，苟且偷生，但是这么做和逛青楼有什么区别？

给临终病房的人希望是残酷的做法。我会继续保护作为存在主义者的基本素质，接受世界的荒谬。2024年，我会继续战斗。