Meditation, World, and English words

 I have quite enjoyed typing English words. 

Typing in Chinese is a painful process, I imagine how the words sound like and choose them from a list of kanji. It was redundant.

What is my life? A question remained unanswered and perhaps never will. The world is too backward to generate enough emptiness, but too advanced to embrace an old soul.

Sometimes, late in night. I just sit and do nothing. I imagined how my room would reflect my personality, but that is just an escape from the reality where my room is not the way I want it to be. I would probably have paper lanterns, art nouveau posters, and an incense holder on the top of an antique rosewood cabinet in the faithful style of Min. But honestly, these are just outside things in life.

I can’t take them away from this reality, don’t have them in this reality. Shit, I can’t even pass on my sense of aesthetics. 

It is then I began to discover, for too long in my pathetic life I measured my success on the perspective of others. I lost some coolness in the pursuit of finer things. 

Mental wealth is too cheap these days. People moan about mental health like Dostoyevsky once lamented roughly 200 years ago. I felt a stab of pain that dead people may have experienced their life more sharply than I. People gave away their life for honour like it was a breakfast on a Tuesday morning. Did we really progress at all since the age of dawn?

At least back when people were getting mowed down like grass, they learn to move on with a grim smile, write it into a heroic tragedy, or to learn to live a short life to the fullest.

I wander around my thoughts like a ghost knight in valhalla. I just want to make people around me happy. Classic appeasement in exchange of self respect. An act acceptable, perhaps even de minimis to even be argued about in modern wold, but deemed a life of worthlessness in the view of my ancestors.

I lived in a Daoist temple for two months, and I truly missed the minimalistic food they offered. Two veg one meat. I was sure I’m going to devote my life into becoming a monk if weren’t for the start of schooling season. It was about noticing the bland taste of veg. Suddenly they became fresh, with a taste of dew that reminds me of the morning mist where the sun was having a hard time piercing through. Existence really didn’t need much to sustain. What have I become?

The world didn’t mean much for me. It was a place to forget, heading to the inevitable conclusion. Some people enjoyed their ride, some never really understood why they were on the train. Some jumped the train for fresh air, some left on the train after people got off, wondering where the train is heading to after the final destination.

My regret came from the choices that could have been made. I constantly compare myself to a shadowed self that is ideal, a possibility lost because of the trivialities, an imaginary life where I lived it to the fullest. “I was going to Japan for high school and work my way up to raise money, have a fresh start”. “I wasn’t going to had that altercation with him before his death, I was an asshole”… I could easily count fifty moments like this

I know such life is no longer possible for me to attempt, but it is addictive to escape the world with the imageries at least. I could stop smoking or drinking if I wanted to, but it takes real courage to move on with possibilities that are lost.

I was a natural nihilist, but became lost in the world. 

*lights a cig*

放下陳見

放下陳見

*

 我多想做一個愚人。

人一輩子，單純一些，就不會對世界有看法。懷才不遇，是精神污染。我是一個恃才凌物的人，對眼前的一切甚感空虛。我曾經也是一個飽受歐洲虛無主義荼毒的人，眼前的一切，萬物皆空，萬事皆允。

然，我意識到我的人生開局，難度不是psycho，也得是個hard。成功的企業家，有不少都是農村背景，用我老頭的說話，就是“土炮一個”，但是他們比我有錢太多。當人的認知超過社會普遍平均值的時候，眼界會成為雙刃劍。我意識到基業的奠基，多半不是靠理論，而是靠世俗手腕獲取的。在這種社會環境下，眼界幾乎沒什麼屌用。

如果你搞技術再牛逼，如果無法做一個世俗的愚人，就無法融入世俗的世界。Kierkegaard 認為，人生意義的實現或多或少都會伴隨不可調和的孤獨。我對此感同身受，對他的理論極為崇拜，但是 Kierkegaard 終其一生窮困潦倒，連快到手的老婆都跟人跑了。

*

我不想做一個感性，熱愛藝術但是窮困潦倒的人，我想做一個有老婆的熱愛藝術的愚人。

我要做一個能賺錢的人。社會菁英的教育告訴我，“錢不能買到幸福”，但是經驗主義告訴我，沒錢你媽的絕對不幸福。事實上，根據美國疾病管制署的數據顯示，生活在貧困環境之成年人，罹患憂鬱症的可能性比富裕族群高三至四倍。

菁英往往錯誤的認為錢不是幸福的誘因，因此他們認為錢不是一個必要條件。操你媽。

*

2023，我要放下成見，實驗性地過我的生活。我懶得再去問責世界的醜陋，我選擇在哲學上自殺，我要轉型為一個反智者，和光同塵。這個決定包括：放棄歧視中國人，多交幾個新朋友（哪怕我多麼不可能將他們作為遺囑執行人），放棄對人生終極意義的思考，放棄對高尚藝術的追求，放棄對教育制度的思考，放棄對大學institutionalized的思考，放棄對政府的批判，放棄對登峰造極的追求，放棄人類一起進步的、危險的國際主義思想，徹底放棄對審美和完美主義的變態追求，直到我今年賺到10萬美元為止（inflation adjusted）。對轉而進行對如何在世俗世界活的不痛苦一點的思考。

世俗一點，認真搞錢。